This journal entry was supposed to go up the 28th, but I forgot about it. And I guess that shows how detached from "my dA" I've been lately, much to my own regret. I love this place and I feel like I've spent a whole year trying and failing to be more involved and active. It's been 20 months since I joined, and I haven't accomplished much. I didn't have any narcissistic goals or anything. It wasn't recognition or watchers what I sought. I'm more than happy with the people I've come to know thanks to dA, and I'm absolutely grateful for their support and encouragement. My goals, if any, were all about my own growth and learning, about me exploring techniques and areas in fanart and original art that were unknown for me, or that I've neglected over the years. And, at most of that, I've failed. Out of a mixture of being a procrastinator, and having lost my already few vestiges of willingness to... simply "do stuff", I guess. It's been a difficult year on more personal grounds too. Losses, disappointments and setbacks were probably the main reason behind my big fat lack of motivation.
New Year probably doesn't mean anything to most people, but it does to me. I see it as a new cycle, a turn of the page, as a blank canvas, which can be scary too. I'd go crazy if I didn't see it that way. If I didn't reset, reboot, turn the page. So in light of what my 2013 was like, I have no "resolutions" for 2014. I won't set myself up for failure again. I had too many plans and projects for 2013, and most of them went into some limbo. It's not unlike me to be unable to finish things, or to take too long to get to the highest possible degree of completion I can get things to, which is never quite 100%. But this year has been particularly frustrating and unproductive. So many things went to waste, timing, opportunities, collaborations... And it's my own doing. I'm not complaining, I'm not blaming anyone. For whatever reason, I simply was unable to find within myself that... thing that drives you to pursue your goals. The whole year I even felt like "I wished I wanted" to do this or that. And whenever I felt a little motivated, I also felt some weird, irrational yet familiar fear to exposing myself that made me go back into my cave.
Why, believe it or not this wasn't meant to be another whiny, negative journal. But simply a realistic one. My next journal entry (april 28th, 2014) will mark my 2nd anniversary of joining dA, and I hope it'll be less of the same old Mea Culpa thing
and more about new projects and hopefully it'll be surrounded by many new deviations.
Thank you, dA friends, community and watchers, for all the encouragement and the patience. Even in my inactivity, you've still made my dA experience unique and priceless. Reminding me again and again of how wonderful this place is, and making me glad still that I joined.
So, goodbye and good riddance, 2013.
May we all have a great, stimulating, productive and fulfilling 2014
Happy New Year!
I added a couple things, as if I hadn't rambled enough, I know
And I changed the title because I realized calling it "Happy New Year!" was some sort of false advertising considering what the actual tone of the journal was